Posted by Bobbi Emel on Thu, May 03, 2012 @ 11:02 AM
First, a story:
In Ursula K. LeGuin’s classic fantasy novel, A Wizard of Earthsea, one person has power over another by knowing his “true name.” So it is that the people of Earthsea all go by nicknames, only revealing their true names to those they trust with their lives and hearts.
The story is told of a brash young wizard named Ged (his true name), who, in a vain show of his immature power, accidentally unleashes a dark spirit-monster from the depths of the other world. Ged is severely wounded by the creature which then flees into the night.
Upon recovering, Ged finds himself in mortal fear of this creature and, when he again encounters it, runs away and continues to run as the creature follows wherever Ged goes.
Returning to his first great teacher, Ged is told that he must learn the true name of the thing that hunts him in order to defeat it.
“The evil thing, the shadow that hunts me, has no name,” Ged whispers with resignation.
“All things have a name,” his teacher responds with certainty.
Finally, Ged realizes that he must confront the dark creature in order to stop running and return to living a whole life – or die.
Now the hunter becomes the hunted as Ged chases the dark mass, finally catching it in the middle of the sea. Ged approaches the thing and, as it morphs into hideous, ever-changing dark shapes with sharp claws and dagger teeth, Ged reaches for it.
The black spirit hisses and moans but Ged, finally facing the truth, calmly calls it by its true name:
“Ged.”
The mass quivers and allows Ged to embrace it, pulling it into his body, the shadow and Ged now as one again.
What can we learn from the story of Ged?
1. We tend to run away from the dark things we conjure up that have wounded us terribly.
How many times have you done this? Created – inadvertently, perhaps – a situation in your life out of immaturity or not knowing yourself well enough that ends up hurting you dreadfully?
Perhaps it is a relationship that becomes toxic, the scars of which you carry and which cause you to run from all intimacy.
Perhaps it is poor choices you made when younger that you continue to flee from rather than stop and see the lessons you learned from them.
2. You must face your shadow and name it or you will always run from its power and terror.
Ged finally recognized that the monster from which he was fleeing was the darker part of himself, his shadow.
Are you still running from your shadow? Perhaps you were hurt by someone else long ago and yet your shadow side continues to hang onto the hurt. You have been running away from this for a long time, afraid of what would happen if the shadow caught up to you.
Do you you need to forgive yourself?
Stop. Look at what you are running from. Call it by your own name and realize it is a part of you.
3. You must not only face your shadow, you must embrace it.
You may spend a lot of time running away from your shadow, denying that you have one, or trying to get rid of it.
As Ged so wisely realized, the shadow is an integral part of you and needs to be welcomed and embraced. Accepting yourself is not only about celebrating your good qualities, but embracing the darker side of you: the flaws, quirks, bad habits, less-than-noble thoughts, and negative emotions that are as much a part of you as your sunny side.
It’s okay to continue to grow personally and bring light to your darker characteristics. But realize that, because you are a member of the human race, part of you will always be shadow.
Embrace your shadow.
4. You are not whole without your shadow.
All the energy and effort you put into denying your shadow only delays your experience as a whole, complete person.
Live a free, meaningful life as shown in this passage from the end of A Wizard of Earthsea. (Ged was accompanied on his journey to find his shadow by his trustworthy friend, Estarriol.)
“Estarriol,” he said, “look, it is done. It is over.” He laughed. “The wound is healed,” he said, “I am whole, I am free.” Then he bent over and hid his face in his arms, weeping like a boy.
Estarriol began to see the truth, that Ged had neither lost nor won but, naming the shadow of his death with his own name, had made himself whole: a man who, knowing his whole true self, cannot be used or possessed by any power other than himself, and whose life therefore is lived for life’s sake and never in the service of ruin, or pain, or hatred or the dark.
Here's your one thing: To be whole, embrace that integral, dark part of you - your shadow.
The story of Ged is so rich with symbolism. What lessons do you see in his story?
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Mon, Apr 16, 2012 @ 07:17 PM
You have a problem.
And you keep thinking and thinking about it.
It’s driving you nuts.
To get rid of the thoughts, do you ever find yourself saying something like this:
“If I just don’t think about it, it will go away.”
I’ve got news for you.
Trying to make bad stuff go away by not thinking about it doesn’t work.
And it might even make it worse.
Putting a lid on your thinking
What you’re trying to do is suppress your thought.
Conventional wisdom says that the brave, strong way to address intrusive thoughts about problems is to just ignore them – stuff them – until they go away.
Kind of how you might treat your dog who is begging too much. If you ignore him long enough, he’ll lose interest and wander off.
While it might work for your dog, studies have shown that the opposite is true for us humans.
Researchers did an experiment where they asked subjects to report thoughts that were going through their heads for a period of five minutes. However, before they started, they were told not to think of a white bear.
If they did think of a white bear, they were to ring a bell they had been given.
What happened?
Bells rang forth like slot machines in Vegas.
Turns out that trying not to think of something makes you think about it quite a bit.
Subsequent studies not only showed the same effect, but also found that people who tried to suppress a thought experienced a rebound effect and thought about the subject more frequently than they had before.
And, to top it all off, suppressors felt worse emotionally after they tried to put a lid on their thinking.
Express, don’t suppress
Learning to handle problems, repetitive thoughts, and negative emotions are essential skills in being resilient.
To bounce back from your habit of trying to stuff problems, try this:
1. Express the very thing you’re trying to suppress.
Researchers not only found that suppression increases your thoughts about a situation and makes you feel bad about them, but that expressing these same thoughts reduces the frequency of them.
So, when other subjects in the study above were told to actively think about and visualize a white bear for five minutes before being asked not to think about it, the bells rang less often than they did in the initial study.
Let’s take an example that might be more realistic in your world. (Unless you have a problem with intrusive thoughts about white bears.)
Let’s say you’re really worried about paying your bills each month. As it gets closer to time to pay the bills, you think about them more often so you try to put that thought out of your mind and think about something else.
What happens?
You think about your bills constantly. And your worry and discomfort increase because you’re experiencing the rebound effect of trying to stuff them down.
What might work better?
Expressing your thoughts and your worry about your bills. You can do this with a trusted friend or your spouse, you can journal about it, or you can even just talk aloud to yourself about it.
Any way that works for you to express your thought will help reduce the frequency and the impact of it.
2. Accepting your thoughts.
Some research is demonstrating that using acceptance-based techniques can help to decrease your distress over those thoughts that keep on intruding inside your head. Not the frequency of the thoughts, but the bad feelings that come along with them.
So, rather than thinking, “I am so tired of these thoughts! I just can’t stand them anymore!” you might think, “There’s that thought about my bills again. Yep, it’s coming up a lot so I guess I must be worried about it.”
Notice how, in the second line of thinking, you aren’t judging your thoughts like you were in the first line. You’re just noticing them and accepting that they are there.
We’ve talked before how simply noticing your thoughts can help you feel better than placing a judgment on them.
Next time you find yourself trying to make something go away by just not thinking about it, catch yourself and allow it to come up without judgment.
Just don’t think about a white bear . . .
Here’s your one thing from this post: Express, don’t suppress!
Do you ever find yourself trying to suppress your thoughts? Does it work for you? Let me know in the comments below.
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Marcks, B.A. & Woods, D.W. (2005). A comparison of thought suppression to an acceptance-based technique in the management of personal intrusive thoughts: a controlled evaluation. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 43, 433-445.
Roemer, L. & Borkovec, T.D. (19940. Effects of Suppressing Thoughts About Emotional Material. Journal of Abnormal Psychology.103(3), 467-474.
Wegner, D.M. (1987). Paradoxical Effects of Thougt Suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 53, 5-13.
Posted by Bobbi Emel on Tue, Apr 10, 2012 @ 05:41 PM
This is a guest post from Paige Burkes who writes at the blog simple mindfulness.
How is it that we can spend years of our lives being students of the best personal development advice but, when we’re in the middle of our own issues and drama, all that great information goes out the window? Our old habits and programming kick in and we wonder why we keep repeating the same patterns in life. We lose the ability to be objective in our own lives.
Over the years I’ve experienced many setbacks and many of them have repeated themselves enough times to create patterns. Even though the people, places and circumstances were different each time, the results were always the same. While they’re never fun to go through, I’ve learned that how I handle these setbacks is a practice and the more I practice, the better I get. Unfortunately, it took a couple decades of blindly repeating the same negative patterns before things started to change.
What changed? I did. Slowly. Over time.
It took repeating the same negative patterns and coming up with the same negative results long enough that I got sick and tired of being where I was. Something had to change.
Awareness
One of the first things I realized was that I was a bit of a control freak. I thought that if I could control the people and situations around me, I could fix anything. If this is you, it’s time for a wake-up call. If you stay on this path you’ll find it’s a long, exhausting, frustrating, angry, bitter and resentful ride to nowhere.
The only thing you can control is you. And you can only do that if you slow down enough to become aware of yourself, your thoughts, your emotions and your actions. Nothing changes until you’re aware of it.
When you repeat a pattern that you could live without, stop and notice it. Become aware of it. You don’t have to change it or try to make it all better. Just notice it. Sit with it.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. Don’t blame others for it. Look at it objectively – without judgment.
Acceptance
Once you’ve calmed down enough to be aware of the situation, the next (and one of the hardest) steps is to accept it. Completely.
It happened again. It’s in the past. There’s nothing you can do about it except accept it.
Fighting against it, thinking it should be different, pretending it doesn’t exist are all the expression of resistance and our resistance is the biggest cause of our own suffering.
As the saying goes: What you resist persists.
By resisting what is, you’re feeding it with more energy. You’re giving it more life.
Fighting poverty. Fighting disease. Fighting wars. Fighting with your partner. It’s like two fists coming at each other, clashing. It hurts and they just keep coming back and clashing over and over again, never changing. The end result? Both fists hurt. They’re both bruised and bloody. And they’ll keep clashing until one can’t do it anymore. And there’s a winner and a loser and nobody feels good about any of it.
The alternative? Accepting the other person or situation as it is because there’s really nothing we can do to change it. Knowing that we can’t change it, we can only work with it. Instead of two fists clashing, picture the two hands coming together with the fingers interlocking into one strong union. Together they’re infinitely stronger and have more energy. And there’s no loser. No one walks away bruised and bloodied. Both sides walk away with a new friend.
Taking Responsibility
Once you’re aware of the situation and have accepted it, the next step is to understand how you contributed to the whole thing.
When I realized that I kept repeating the same pattern in relationships, regardless of who I was with or where I lived, I had to stop blaming the other person. It simply didn’t make sense any longer. It had to be me.
In many of my tough situations in life, I couldn’t see how I had contributed although it was completely clear to others. Knowing this, I humbled myself and asked others related to the situation how they thought I contributed.
Sometimes the answers stung but I had to hear them. It took effort but I worked hard to not get defensive. The first few times I got totally defensive but caught myself, knowing that the other person was only trying to help and that I had asked for their feedback.
Over time I’ve learned that I am responsible for everything I experience in my life. Yes, everything.
New Choices
I am completely responsible for every choice I make all day, every day. And we make many more choices that most of us realize.
- What and when we eat and drink
- Whether we exercise
- How we respond to the words and actions of others
- How we feel all day
Whenever I hear someone say that someone else made them feel a certain way, I have to remind them that it was their choice to respond the way they did. This is tough for many people to take. No one can make you feel anything.
If I were a homeless person on the street and I called you a moronic ass as you walked by, you probably wouldn’t think much of it. You’d think I had some big issues and be on your way.
If I were your boss or partner and called you a moronic ass, would you respond the same way? What’s truly the difference? One person knows you better than the other. So what? Does that actually make you a moronic ass?
Some days I wake up in a funk for no reason. My brow is furrowed and I’m generally in a bad mood. If I kept going like this, I would give myself a nice headache and be grouchy to my family, who doesn’t deserve that. Somewhere in my morning routine, as I’m waking up, I realize this and ask myself if I really want to feel like this all day. The answer is a big ‘no.’
I make the conscious choice to change how I feel. Even if something were bothering me, I know I don’t want to feel bad all day. I want to do something about it. Whether I feel like it or not, I smile a huge smile for at least 30 seconds as I breathe very deeply and picture in my mind all the wonderful things in my life that I’m grateful for. It works every time.
Breaking the Patterns
When you find yourself repeating your same negative pattern, simply make a new and different choice about the next action you’ll take. Do something you’ve never tried before, even if (and especially if) it sounds totally crazy. Don’t worry about being right or perfect or what others may think. It’s all a big experiment anyway. Just do something different – anything – and see what happens. Learn from it.
If the choice you made didn’t work out, make a new choice from the present moment. You can’t change the past and undo the last choice so guilt and regrets are useless. Simply make a different choice and move forward from there, constantly tweaking and learning along the way.
Eventually you’ll find your path, one that works for you. Choose what’s right for you and, most of all, choose to be happy no matter what.
I know from experience that none of this is easy. It takes time – sometimes a few days and sometimes many years. But with practice it does get easier. It’s all part of the journey. Happy travels!
Paige Burkes writes at simple mindfulness where she supports you in new, mindful ways of being that allow you to live a happier and more fulfilled life. She has a free ebook, 7 Keys to Getting Things Done, Living on Purpose and Being Happy in the Process, that gives you the specific baby steps to follow to live the life you really want.
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Wed, Apr 04, 2012 @ 06:03 PM
Have you heard the saying, "What you resist, persists"? And perhaps it not only persists, but multiplies.
Watch this beautiful, thought-provoking two-minute video and we'll talk afterwards.
I'm interested in what you learned from watching this serenity-seeking samurai flail away at his distractions, so please add your observations in the comments section.
Here's what I learned:
1. Resistance only creates more problems.
There you are, actively seeking peace and tranquility in your world. But when a problem arises, you suddenly lose your focus and fight against the problem-intruder with all your might and skill, only to find that the situation is growing larger and more out of your grasping control.
Perhaps, if you had gone with the trouble instead of against it, you might have ended up in a beautiful, unexpected place - one that you were trying to reach in the first place.
2. It's all in how you look at it.
Just as the samurai eventually saw the fly as a beautiful flower blossom, the power to change your perception of a pesky distraction is within you, too. Is there any way that your current troublesome situation might actually be hiding something that you need?
3. Peace and beauty are always inside if you stop to see them.
The samurai in the video tried every physical skill he knew to get rid of those flies and only succeeded in creating a horde of them. It was only when he stopped and really looked, truly saw the fly for what it was, that he found his place of serenity inside again. He let go of his external struggle and found what he sought within himself.
Will you find what you seek within you?
4. Befriend the gadfly.
One of my favorite parts in the video is near the end, when the huge warrior looks down at his closed fist, slowly opens it, and gently releases the fly that had previously tormented him. It is as though he finally realized the gift that the little pest brought him.
This is so hard to do, but befriending and then letting go of the pesky problems in your life may lead you to see the gifts that they have brought you - new understanding of how to approach the next distracting problem, new confidence in your ability to bounce back from trouble in your life, and perhaps a new, peaceful way to view your world.
5. Keep practicing.
Notice that the samurai never gave up and left the building. Even though he struggled with his distractions, he hung in there and eventually found his way.
When you are trying a new skill or practice, remember that, even though you might lose your focus occasionally, just go back and try again.
Your peace of mind and serenity await.
What lessons did you see in the video? Please comment below!
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Tue, Mar 27, 2012 @ 05:35 PM
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change. ~ Carl
Rogers
I was privileged to spend a day last week at a seminar led by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in the area of self-compassion.
During an exercise early in the day that taught us how to feel compassion for another person and compassion for oneself, I was surprised to notice how hard it was to be compassionate toward myself while feeling compassion toward my partner in the exercise was quite easy.
The young woman who was my partner for the exercise said she, too, experienced the same thing: she naturally felt compassion for me, but struggled with allowing compassion for herself.
Learning loving-kindness
Later in the day, Dr. Neff introduced a loving-kindness meditation. She had us close our eyes and imagine someone we loved and felt very warm toward. We directed our loving-kindness toward that person and repeated silently:
May you be safe.
May you be peaceful.
May you be healthy.
May you live at ease.
Then she had us imagine ourselves sitting with the person we loved and we said to both of us silently:
May we be safe.
May we be peaceful.
May we be healthy.
May we live at ease.
Finally, she asked us to hold just ourselves in our imaginations and hearts and repeat:
May I be safe.
May I be peaceful.
May I be healthy.
May I live at ease.
Is compassion okay for others but not you?
Dr. Neff pointed out that, originally, in order to teach compassion toward others, the Buddha had his followers first get in touch with their own self-compassion so that they could then send compassion and loving-kindness toward others.
But in our culture, she explained, it is so hard for us to allow ourselves self-compassion that she designed the exercise above in reverse: We get in touch with our compassion for others so that we can be compassionate and show loving-kindness to ourselves.
Of course, this exercise and the one with a partner earlier in the day made me wonder – why is it so hard to be self-compassionate?
Myths about self-compassion
I think it comes down to at least (I'm sure there are many more) these four mythical beliefs:
1. Self-compassion is selfish.
Women, especially, are taught to care for everyone else but themselves. Self-compassion can thus be seen as selfish, that taking care of yourself means you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing: taking care of someone else.
But ask yourself in all honesty: How can you take care of others with loving-kindness and authenticity if you haven’t established those things for yourself first?
Remember this: Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
2. Self-compassion is indulgent.
“If I’m nice to myself and let myself off the hook all the time, won’t I just become lazy and self-indulgent?”
In a word, no.
Because, as Dr. Neff explains, self-compassion is about your health and well-being while self-indulgence is about getting anything you want when you want it without thoughts of well-being.
Self-compassion is about noticing and being with your pain. Self-indulgence is about numbing and denying your pain.
3. Self-criticism motivates you.
The opposite of self-compassion is self-criticism, that voice inside your head that constantly chirps away at what you could have done better, where you failed, and any other negative thing it can think of.
Somewhere inside, you may have the idea that this voice is the only way to keep you in line, be good, and move toward your goal. You may actually believe that self-criticism is motivating you.
Let go of that belief. Self-criticism is an inside job that only tears you down.
4. Self-compassion is wimpy.
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“Man up.”
“Put on your big girl panties and stop whining.”
In our individualistic society, you are supposed to tough things out. Be kind to yourself? Quit being such a wimp!
In reality, allowing compassion toward yourself is one of the most courageous things you can do. It requires you to go against the grain of our culture and to express loving-kindness for yourself.
And, instead of using bravado and aggression to achieve goals, self-compassion creates the safety that is needed for you to gently critique yourself to meet your objectives and grow personally.
Takeaway points: Just like the old safety mantra about securing our own oxygen masks before we assist others, we need to allow compassion toward ourselves before we can truly be compassionate and express loving-kindness toward others. We have learned many myths about self-compassion that need to be banished! Self-compassion is about creating health and well-being for ourselves, not about being selfish, lazy, unmotivated, or wimpy.
Is it easy or hard for you to have self-compassion? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Thu, Mar 22, 2012 @ 08:37 PM
Take a break. You deserve it.
I’ve heard this several times in the last few days so I think you and I ought to start paying attention.
1. Breaks and circular thinking (rumination)
Among research I was doing for another blog post, I learned that taking a break is one of the best ways to interrupt rumination – that insidious circle of repetitive, brooding thoughts that you can get into when feeling depressed or facing stressful circumstances.
The problem with rumination is that you do it because you think if you pay enough attention to your problem, you will solve it. But that’s not what happens. Rumination only increases negative thinking which leads to pessimism, depression, and reduces your ability to problem-solve effectively.
So the very thing you’re doing to solve a problem is actually inhibiting you from solving it. And your mind just keeps going around and around in the same thought-cycle, trying to work things out but only making matters worse.
Researchers have found that distracting yourself via enjoyable activities such as going to a movie, spending time with friends, jogging, or going for a walk can disrupt your ruminative thinking which then allows you to solve your problem more effectively.
Take a break from all that thinking! Do something different to get your mind out of its repetitive pattern.
2. Breaks and grieving
Finally, taking a break and distraction can be very helpful for people who are grieving. During the painful spasms of grief that occur early in the process, giving yourself a break from the constant thoughts of your loss can be a great coping mechanism.
The important thing to remember is that, when you take a break from grief, it doesn’t mean that you have forgotten your loved one or are in any way disrespecting her. You are actually honoring her by honoring and taking care of yourself for a bit.
Spend time with friends, laugh, engage in a favorite hobby. It’s okay to take a break from the pain.
3. Breaks and creativity
Ever wonder why you can be stumped by a problem during the day and then wake up at 3 am with the solution? Or come up with a brilliant idea for a new software program while you’re in the shower?
Jonah Lehrer has one idea about how these experiences occur. He’s the author of Imagine: How Creativity Works. Lehrer writes that scientists are discovering that the simple act of being relaxed and in a good mood sparks creativity and innovation.
When you look at where insights come from, they come from where we least expect them. They only arrive after we stop looking at them. If you're an engineer working on a problem and you're stumped by your technical problem, chugging caffeine at your desk and chaining yourself to your computer, you're going to be really frustrated. You're going to waste lots of time. You may look productive, but you're actually wasting time. Instead, at that moment, you should go for a walk. You should play some ping-pong. You should find a way to relax. - Excerpted from an interview of Jonah Lehrer from Npr.org
So there you have it. Taking a break is a good thing. It promotes creativity, innovation, and good mental and emotional health.
Go on. You deserve it.
Takeaway points: Taking a break and distracting yourself from your inner world can be just what you need to solve a problem or feel better. Give yourself permission to take a break and have fun or just relax.
Is it easy or hard for you to allow yourself breaks?
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Mon, Mar 19, 2012 @ 12:51 PM
Vulnerability is not about weakness
This month’s edition of Bounce Boosters is about vulnerability.
How is vulnerability related to resiliency and bouncing back in life?
In her latest TED talk, which you can watch in the video above, shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown asks the audience, “Honestly, when you think of being vulnerable, how many of you equate it with weakness?”
The majority of the audience raised their hands.
Brown continues, “Now, when you think about the presenters you’ve seen here at TED, how many of you have looked at their vulnerability as courage?”
This time the entire audience raised their hands.
Dr. Brown looked intently at her listeners.
“Vulnerability is not weakness.”
Vulnerability creates change
Then she told a story about how, after her first TEDx talk, she received many calls from businesses and corporations asking her to come speak.
“’But, Dr. Brown, we don’t want you to mention shame or vulnerability.’
“What would you like me to talk about?
“’Innovation, creativity, and change.’”
She smiled and looked fully at her audience again.
“Let me just go on record: Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”
So many times we think that when we are feeling vulnerable it means we are weak and being weak means we are not resilient, that we can’t bounce back.
The opposite is true: vulnerability creates change, it shows strength and vitality, and it’s really the only way to move forward in life.
I hope this month’s quotes inspire you to honor and practice your own vulnerability.
1. Elizabeth Shue.
I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can't experience life without feeling life. What I've learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it's a strength.
2. Madeleine L'Engle
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.
3. Brené Brown
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
4. Criss Jami
To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.
5. Stephen Russell
Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. The new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Mon, Mar 12, 2012 @ 07:27 PM
I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking
upward.- Charlotte Bronte
Do you ever feel bogged down with the daily grind of life? Like you’ve been walking through your days with your head down, just looking at where your next step is going to land?
Me, too.
But I learned something several years ago that helps me to release my narrow focus and get a fresh perspective.
Looking up
I was at a seminar being led by a Native American shaman. He was explaining the ways of his tribe, the Ojibwa people, and ended by telling a story about a walk he took in the woods.
As he plodded along, looking at the ground, lost in his thoughts, he heard a voice inside him say, “Look up!”
Suddenly, he realized how much of his present experience he was missing. He looked up and saw the way the tree branches laced together over his head. How the sun peeked through the forest, dappling the growth and his path before him. How the squirrels chattered and played overhead, leaping with breathtaking grace from limb to limb.
Ever after, he always remembered to look up.
A narrow focus
And I have tried to remember this simple, wise directive as well.
I find that my mind too often becomes narrowly focused, worrying about the next thing or lost in replaying a past event, rather than being right where I am in the present. In these times, I’m often looking down at where I’m walking or at whatever is in front of me.
When my shallow breathing and downward gaze come to my awareness, they are my cues that I’ve allowed my inner world to exclude what is happening around me. I hear the emphatic phrase, “Look up!” and I follow its wise command.
What do I see? I’ve never seen a vision or anything extraordinary.
But the true essence of looking up is that I’m reminded that there is more.
Looking up allows me to see more of my world. I notice that there is more than what is just in front of me.
There are trees and buildings and the Google blimp (really!) and reflections off windows and clouds scudding across the sky and cobwebs in corners and funny patterns in the ceiling plaster.
And I realize that there is more to this moment than what is going on inside my head. There are possibilities and opportunities and things to be grateful for and lessons to be learned and the chance to take a deep breath.
I find that I have more choices in what I do and feel. I don’t have to walk with my head down, feeling the grind-ness of my day. I can choose to look up and around and remember that there are always, always options and each day brings a new batch of them.
And sometimes, just sometimes, when I look up, I see a hawk or a great bird of the sea soaring high above me and I am thankful, even more, for the wise shaman’s advice to look up!
Takeaway points: It's so easy to become narrowly focused on the routine of our day, where we're going, or where we came from. The exercise of literally looking up reminds us that there is so much more to our experience.
What does looking up do for you?
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Posted by Bobbi Emel on Thu, Mar 08, 2012 @ 08:07 PM
Looking for a way to boost your everyday resilience? Look for the tiny miracles. You can read
more about it here on my PsychCentral post, Tiny Miracles: 5 Little Things To Notice So You Can Feel Better.
How about a brief overview of three skills you can use to bounce back from bad moods to major disasters? Check out my guest post on PicktheBrain.com, The Top 3 Skills You Need to Bounce Back From Anything.
Posted by Bobbi Emel on Mon, Mar 05, 2012 @ 08:17 PM
There are times in life that shake you to your core. Your world is changed so much that you
don’t recognize it or yourself anymore and doubts start to creep in that you’re ever going to recover.
That happened to me eight years ago when my partner, Ruth, died of metastatic breast cancer. Even though I knew she was going to die, even though we had talked about it and prepared for it the best we could, even though we had learned invaluable lessons during her illness, my spirit and heart were completely crushed when she took her last breath.
Shaken worldview
We all have ways that we view our worlds that are ensconced in our minds and based on our experiences. We view the world as safe or unsafe, fair or unfair, hopeful or hopeless, and so on. My world was always safe, predictable, orderly, and full of richness.
Until Ruth died.
I had never lost anyone before so the experience was completely new to me. Suddenly, my long-held worldview was shaken up.
If people you loved died, it meant the world wasn’t as safe as I thought it would be. Without Ruth, the richness was gone and certainly life wasn’t predictable if death could interrupt it.
Forgotten lessons
Ruth and I were blessed to learn so many life-changing lessons as we walked the path together with her cancer. We learned the art of non-resistance, the magic of being in the moment, and the truth that the things we used to stress about really were small stuff.
Early on in my journey with grief, I tried to access these lessons but it was as if I had emotional amnesia. I couldn’t remember them and, on the rare occasions that I did, it was as if I couldn’t access them or take comfort in them.
I was numb and those important lessons were out there, they just couldn’t get in.
Not knowing yourself
Without Ruth, without my usual world, and without the impactful lessons I had learned about life, I felt disconnected from myself.
Who was I now?
I thought I’d had a firm self-identity but suddenly it was scrambled. I felt like the snow in one of those snow globes after someone has turned it upside down and shaken it. My sense of self was scattered everywhere.
The good news
Aren’t you glad we’re finally getting to the good news?
I have a favorite clinical term that I use for grief: It sucks. And although it took me a few years, I eventually came out of the worst throes of it.
Here’s what helped:
1. Have patience and faith
One time, near the end of Ruth’s life, we’d just received some bad news about her prognosis. After thinking about it for awhile, I approached Ruth and asked her what she thought we were meant to learn from this newest information.
Ruth was quiet for a minute. Then she said. “Patience.” Pause. “And faith.”
And that’s what got me through my tumultuous grief. The patience of time passing in its usual way helped immensely.
As did my dim, but persistent, faith that I would come out through the other side of my grief. I kept telling myself that other people had, so I would, too, even if I couldn’t see how that could happen.
When your world shatters, allow the passage of time to heal you and be your guide. Even if it’s a tiny amount, let your faith in the process of recovery inspire you.
2. Allow others to remind you of the gifts and lessons.
Because your world is upside down and you may not remember the lessons and gifts that once guided you, let those closest to you remind you.
I treasured every card I received, every phone call from a friend who told me how much Ruth had meant to them and how our journey with cancer had taught them to lead a richer life.
Slowly, the loving reminders from people of the wonderful lessons I had learned with Ruth thawed my numbness and I was able to remember and embody them once more.
Use your friends. Tell them how lost you feel and allow them to be your anchor in your inner storm.
3. Welcome your new self.
As I mentioned in a recent post, you really can’t go back to who you were before your tragedy happened. You are different now because of the trauma.
I was not the same person without Ruth and with my new knowledge of a world where you can lose someone you love dearly.
I was different and you will be, too, as you heal from your trauma. And different isn’t always bad.
Like the snowflakes in the snow globe, my sense of self eventually settled, but the pattern that was formed was new and beautiful in its own way. My sense of empathy was greatly increased, my path of helping people bounce back from loss and adversity was more clear, and the lessons I learned from Ruth’s life, death, and the ensuing grief are treasures that I continue to take forward with me into a different and meaningful new world.
4. Release the pressure valve.
One of the keys to bouncing back from grief or other trauma is to not pressure yourself. I had a hard time with this myself because I kept thinking I had lost all of the lessons Ruth and I had learned. I thought this was disrespectful to her memory.
Now I know that my reactions and feelings were just normal aspects of grief. It’s very easy to feel isolated in your experience and this can add to your own internal pressure to just “get over it.”
Don’t pressure yourself. Release the pressure by talking to others who have been through the same experience. Or read books by people who have.
There are no rules, no perfect timing about when you are supposed to be healed from your trauma. It happens when it happens and it’s usually an ongoing process.
Have mercy on yourself.
Takeaway points: Grief and other kinds of trauma can shake your world to its very foundations. Even though you may feel completely discombobulated, remember to keep the faith that others have made it through similar experiences. Trust in your friendships to keep you anchored. Be okay with the new normal that is being pieced together for you and remember not to pressure yourself.
I'm available for counseling to help you recover from grief, loss, and other types of trauma. Call me at 650-529-9059 or email me for an appointment.